The Amusing Reviews: Star Trek 2009
by queenoftheoutlands
Summary: Its here at last, Star Trek Amusingly Reviewed by moi. Lots of cracky random goodness, including Epic!Kirk, Adorable!Chekov and Spock channelling Elphaba. Come in and join the fun : Live long and laugh. Reviews tres welcome. Queen out.
1. Chapter 1

Yes, it is finally here, as promised. And it is going to be EPIC (I hope...) And in chapters, owing to the insane length of the whole thing

So, without further ado, allow me to present...

**STAR TREK 2009**

**THE AMUSING REVIEW**

**Warnings** Contains cracky randomness, references to other fandoms, slash by the bucketload, some language and some innuendo. And I wouldn't have it any other way.

Oh, and some of the running gags do follow on from the Merlin Amusing Reviews so... yeah. Should be understandable anyway

Disclaimer: I own nothing. I do not own Star Trek, I do not own the actors (shame, really), I do not own that goat I passed on the way here and I do not own any of the completely intentional references to Doctor Who, Wicked, Merlin and many other random things that I shall throw in in order to amuse you lot, *sigh* The things I do for you readers. I don't know... *is rambling* Anyway, back to the review...

**1 – Modern/futuristic settings get proper numbers instead of Roman ones. See? Attention to detail is where it's at folks**

Hmmm, the music is haunting and pretty and growing dramatic and swelling to a climax and... it stops. Yeah. Stops, in order to show us the general beeping, machinery noises of a spaceship instead. Thanks. All us peoples who enjoy epic music are sorely dissapointed. And it's hardly even been a minute yet.

Anyway, here we are on the USS... Kelvin? Who in the fridge is Kelvin meant to be? Okay, I will make up a backstory that some bloke called Kelvin was the first man to have a barbeque on the moon. So they named a starship after him. So there. Anyway, something random is happening out a in space, like a lightning storm. Some woman back at base thinks that doesn't seen possible. Yeah. That's why they said it.

Inside... WOAH, is it crowded and metallic and snazzy inside that ship. Anyway, badass bald captain (BBC, to his friends) is looking tres shocked and confused at all this craziness.

**VERY BRITISH BLOKE** Captain, are you seeing this?

**BBC** Oh my god...

On the screen something very flashy and spikey and sparky appears to be emerging from a black whole. Like a giant insect/porcupine that dwarfs the Kelvin by several squillion times. Oh, and they've launched green insect/pocupine-ish weapons at the Kelvin too. How very crappy. They strike with lots of explosions and screaming. BBC orders evacuation shuttles to be prepared when suddenly there is an ominous close up on BBC and a tres sinister voice says:

**SINISTER VOICE** Hello.

GAH! Its the great big bald tattooed face of some bald tattooed guy. Who is inviting BBC onto his ship for a nice little chat with _his_ captain. Or else. BBC obviously can't really refuse so what is he to do? He turns to one of the blokes who the camera has been focusing on for a while now, so we know he must be important.

**BBC **Walk with me

They do so, with BBC giving instructions to evacuate the ship if he doesn't return

**BLOKE** Aye, Captain

"Aye"? What is he, a pirate?

**BBC **You're captain now, Mister Kirk

Oooooo... dramatic muchness? Kirk stands there looking like he is suffering a poignant moment. Meanwhile BBC goes to find a mini-shuttle and fly out into the spikey jaws of the insect/porcupine ship. I note that the spherical area of the Kelvin he flies out of looks like the _Heart of Gold _from the _Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy_ movie (note first reference of the review). BBC lands and leaves his shuttle to find...

**BBC** GAH! A QUARRY IN WALES! ...Oh no, just a green cave-like ominous looking place. That's alright

Meanwhile, the Kelvin crew note that his heartrate has elevated. Is that in any way important? Really? Some bald blokes with tattoos escort BBC to the throne of their king, uh, captain. The bloke who talked to them on the screen (who isn't the captain) shows BBC a pretty hollagram of a cool ship with spinning things.

**BALD TATTOO GUY** Have you ever seen this ship?

**BBC** Who are you guys anyway?

**BALD TATTOO GUY** That wasn't my question. Anyway, I speak for Captain Nero and I'm asking the questions

**BBC **You asked a question. It's my turn. What gives Nero the right to attack a federation vessel? And anyway, the fact that you are Romulans and your captain shares his name with a Roman emperor is not funny by the way

**NERO** *glare of doom*

**BALD TATTOO GUY ***literally chucks another hologram at BBC, this one showing some old bloke* My turn! Do you know the location of Ambassador Spock?

**BBC** Erm, who?

**BALD TATTOO GUY** What date is it anyway?

**BBC **223304. Duh. Who are you guys anyway?

**NERO ***roar of doom. Impales BBC with random spear thing*

Talk about anger management issues much.

The Kelvin crew note that their captain is dead. Which sucks. Oh, and the Romulans are attacking them again, which also sucks. Kirk starts rattling off confusing instructions at a hundred miles per hour. Then decides to evacuate. That includes a random pregant woman by the way. Talking of which, WHAT IN HECK'S NAME IS A PREGNANT WOMAN DOING ON A SPACESHIP?

There are background noise that sound vaguely like the TARDIS. Alright then. Pregnant woman whips out her mobile phone to talk to _George _Kirk, who just happens to be her husband

**KIRK** Thank god you're okay, my wife whose name will not be mentioned onscreen so I might as well call you Cameron off of _House_

**CAMERON** According to wikipedia my actual name is Winona, which is doubly confusing as the actress playing the mother of the other main character in this movie is also called Winona. So yeah, Cameron's fine :) What am I doing here anyway? Surely they wouldn't let a pregnant woman on a spaceship.

**KIRK** It's for drama's sake. Anyway, get to a medical shuttle and do exactly as I say, right?

**CAMERON** Can do. By the way, I'm in labour. Just thought you ought to know

**KIRK** Riiiight, do exactly what the midwives say then. I'm on my way

**COMPUTER **Sorry to be a jerk at such a touching moment but unfortunately the autopilot function has been disabled and unless you want this ship to drop of of space you're gonna have to pilot it yourself

**KIRK** WHAT?

**COMPUTER** I said I was sorry

Meanwhile Cameron's midwife gives us a lovely view of her freaky large alien eyes. Freaky. But hey, Cameron and her cardigan and her baby bump are in the shuttle and ready to escape, so thats good

**KIRK** Erm, Cameron sweetheart? Can't come with you.

**SHUTTLE** *takes off*

**CAMERON **WHAT THE HECK? *scream of labour pain*

The haunting music starts up again as the baby is born, at the same time as George blowing up all the insect/porcupine missiles that try to blow up the escaping shuttles. Oh, and he decides that if he's gonna go he might as well go with a bang and crash into the enemy ship. So hey, thats pretty brave and awesome of him

**BABY** *cries*

**CAMERON** Ohmigod a baby *stares as if she's never seen a baby before* Hey, George, we have a baby! He's beautiful. You should be here

**KIRK **Yeah, bit busy trying not to let you get killed with a minute left till I die which is going very slowly as all last-minutes-to-live go in movies when you are talking to your loved one. What are we gonna call the baby anyway?

**CAMERON** How about after your father?

**KIRK** Tiberius? Heck no! No more Roman names, please. Call him Jim after your dad. Please. For me. Seeing as I'm dying and all

**CAMERON** Sure thing honey

**KIRK** I love you so much. I love yo-

**SHIP** *crashes*

Its actually a very poignant moment. Way to go JJ Abrams, getting me all, sad and its not even eleven minutes into the movie.

**CAMERON** *cries*

**HALF THE AUDIENCE** *cries*

**OTHER HALF** *eat popcorn like the heartless bastards they are*

**And so the beautiful but sad scene fades away, the dramatic music rises and the title appears. You know, I've already put the title all dramtic in capital letters at the beginning of this review, but hey, just because I can:**

**STAR TREK**

**Don't I treat you people?**

**2 – And BAM! There's a retro red car being driven through a desert. By a blonde kid. Who is far to young to be driving but, hey, this is Iowa.**

**GREG GRUNBERG VOCAL CAMEO **BRING MY CAR BACK BIIIIIIITCH!

**YOUNG!JIM KIRK** Sorry. Cannot here you over the sound of how EPIC I am!

How the heck does that kid reach the peddles and still see over the steering wheel? Seriously. He must be under 5'1" (which is my height) and I have to sit all the way forward with a rediculously straight back and I still strain my leg getting the clutch all the way down. Maybe its just an epically small car.

Anyway, Kirk turns on the epic radio and attempts to take the convertable roof off, resulting in aforementioned convertable roof ripping off the car and flying away. Young Jimbo doesn't seem to bothered by this.

**SOME RANDOM HITCHHIKER (who apparently goes by the name of Johnny)** *totally bemused look*

**KIRK** Look at me! I'm awesome!

**THE POLICE** *turn up out of nowhere on an awesome hovering thing*

I am resisting the urge to do a joke referring the band The Police/Sting here...

**KIRK** Crap.

**POLICEMAN ***who has a robotic voice* Oi, aren't you too young to be driving a car? How the heck do you reach the peddles?

**KIRK** *turns conviently placed sharp corner*

**POLICEMAN ***sigh* *follows him*

Kirk, in his desperate attempts to escape, crashes through a barrier which is there for good reason, you know, something to do with the GIANT FREAKING CANYON right in front of him. And if this scene is starting to seem familiar, ask yourself this question: Have you watched the film _Treasure Planet_ recently? I have. I think JJ Abrams might have too. You know, reckless kid called Jim crashing through deserted roads and barriers that are there for good reasons whilst being chased by the police. Yup. Also, the whole spaceship thing. Make up your own mind.

Kirk slams on the breaks (car must not have very good breaks because generally mine stops within the distance that seems to be available to Kirk here) He also spins the car round and makes an epic swan dive out of the car. Car falls into the canyon. Canyon noms car. Kirk ends up hanging from the edge by his fingertips and has to pull himself back up. Don't worry, Jim, it's good practice for later life :)

**POLICEMAN** You're nicked, sonny. Whats your name anyway?

**KIRK **My name is James Tiberius Kirk (bitch)

**3 – Anyway, meanwhile on a red planet that isn't Mars (its Vulcan) and that appears to be upside down (talk about weird camera angles)...**

In a city that looks like its surrounded by a child's traintrack and filled with epic spires (no, I am not trying to emulate the opening narration to _Merlin_. The charater-purpose and apperance paralells between Spock and Merlin are not relevant at the moment) a load of pointy-eared Vulcan children are standing in random half-speres sunk into the ground reciting stuff. What I want to know is, is this supposed to be some kind of exam or is it generally how their school lessons work. Seeing as I am going through exams at the time of writing, that one seems to be the more likelt case. Though that might just be me sympathising. Exams suck.

We are concentrating on one Vulcan kid in particular, so duh he's Spock. He looks bored but that might just be his expression. Meh.

Exam or lesson or whatever it is over, Spock is approached by Vulcan Draco Malfoy and his Vulcan Crabbe and Goyle lackeys. And yes, they have prepared new insults for today, thank you very much. Which they deliver with very bored sounding voices. Honestly, a Vulcan trying to insult somebody isn't really worth doing but hey, guess if you're a Vulcan too they can really sting. Its actually quite funny the stupidly weak shove Vulcan!Draco gives him in an attempt to get an emotional reaction from Spock's half-human side.

**SPOCK** Not affected at all by your insults, thank you very much try again later

**VULCAN!DRACO MALFOY **Ur mum

**SPOCK** I WILL _WOUND_ YOU!

And he does. His dad isn't happy.

**SPOCK'S DAD** (can't be bothered to look up his name right now. Anyone know it?) Emotions run deep within our race. I'll tell you about them, whilst the audience are distracted by the lensflare across my face

**AUDIENCE** Ooo, lensflare!

**SPOCK** Still not getting why you married a human

**SPOCK'S DAD **Because it is my duty as Ambassador to observe and understand human behaviour

What is Earth? A zoo?

**SPOCK'S DAD** You are fully capable of deciding your own destiny

**SPARKY THE GREAT SLASH DRAGON AND GAIUS (from _Merlin_)** _Destiny_ *clink cups of coffee*

The scene fades to a new scene, with a sillhouette of a woman (obviously Spock's mother) who also does not have name so I am going to call her... Abigail Williams. Why? Because that's who Winona Rider played in _The Crucible_, which we watched in English class and all enjoyed apart from the majorly depressing ending. We all came out with the general thought that Abigail Williams was a bitch and everything would have been fine if she didn't insist on dancing around naked in woods and having affairs with Daniel Day Lewis. And I'm rambling again. But yeah, Abigail Williams (why don't they freaking NAME people in this movie?)

**ABIGAIL WILLIAMS **Come here

**SPOCK** Yeah, I'm not six, you know *comes over to his mother and is now an adult and is way taller than her*

**ABIGAIL **I know, but this is a clever device used to show that time has passed. *strokes Merlin's face* I do love you, my boy

**SPOCK** O-kay, this is creepy so... What's wrong?

**ABIGAIL** There's no need to be anxious

**SPOCK **I'm not anxious. Why are mothers so creepy?

**MERLIN, ARTHUR, SYLAR, THE DOCTOR AND OTHERS** Tell us about it

**MERLIN** *to the Doctor* Who was your mother supposed to be?

**THE DOCTOR** According to Russel T Davis, that creepy woman who spent the better part of _The End of Time Part One _stalking Wilf is my mother

**MERLIN** The phrase "stalking Wilf" is creepy all in itself

**SPOCK **_MY_ MOVIE!

**OTHERS ***flee*

**SPOCK **And please stop adjusting my jumper, mother, it's bad enough that I have to wear it in the first place. May I ask you something?

**ABIGAIL** Anything

**SPOCK** Still creepy. And do you think I should purge all my emotions? I want you're opinion in case you think I hate you or something

**ABIGAIL** Oh, Spock. Whatever you choose to be you will have a proud mother

Still creepy... And... WOAH! CAMERA ANGLE! Did the camera fall over or what? Ah, better now. So, whilst the camera is being adjusted Spock is being lectured by a load of old Vulcans in weird chairs looking oddly like a court. What I would like to know is why do all the Vulcan's have British accents (Spock doesn't count because his mother is human and has an American accent) but Draco Malfoy and his cronies had American accents? Huh? I doubt it matters but its still weird. Talking of weirdness, that jumper Spock's wearing really is hideous. Probably knitted by Mrs Weasley...

**VULCAN ELDER** Just out of interest, why have you enlisted to Starfleet as well as the Vulcan Science Acadamy when it was pretty obvious you're clever enough to get into the Science Acadamy?

**SPOCK** It was logical to cultivate multipal options

As my teachers keep telling me when it comes to looking around Universities. *shrugs*

**VULCAN ELDER** Yeah, that was unecessary though. You know, its remarkable that you have acheived so much despite your disadvantage

... (that's an uncomfortable silence by the way)

**SPOCK** Disadvantage?

**VULCAN ELDER** Your human mother

...

**SPOCK** Well, I'm declining your offer then

**VULCAN ELDER** But no Vulcan has ever declined admission to the Acadamy

**SPOCK** Then as I am half-human your record reminans untarnished

'Pwnage.

**VULCAN ELDER** Well, now I think I am going to be suspicious and decide that you only came here to waste our time owing to a human need to rebel

...

**SPOCK** *totally, _epically_ sarcastic* Live long and prosper (translation: fuck off and die painfully, I'm defying gravity and no one's gonna bring me down. Bitches) *leaves*

...

**VULCAN ELDER** What was that?

**VULCAN ELDER 2** I beleive the technical definition is "'Pwnage", sir

**VULCAN ELDER** Oh

...

**VULCAN ELDER** _Harsh_

**To be continued...**

Oh, and if you got that last reference then major cookies to you :)

* * *

**Reviews are greatly appriciated :)**


	2. Chapter 2

Hello there people, and welcome to...

**STAR TREK 2009: ****THE AMUSING REVIEW**

**Part 2**

Still hoping you are enjoying the amusingness. I apologise for any spelling/grammar mistakes here because I seem to have a weird inability to spot them whilst on the editing page and can only notice them one the chapter has been published. Oddly. Also there was a mistype where I accidentally put "Merlin" instead of "Spock." This was because it was a joke carried over from the last chapter of my Merlin Amusing Reviews. It shouldn't happen again :)

Enjoy and laugh to your heart's content, me friends.

**4 – Back in Iowa, where the funky music plays...**

Some red-clothed, long-haired woman is strutting through the funky music club, having lots of fun and saying hello to her similarly red-clothed friends. They have to be students. She funky-struts up to the bar and orders a rediculous amount of drinks. Definately students.

**BARMAN **Hey, why don't you order one of JJ Abram's trademark things he tries to insert into all his movies

**FUNKY STUDENT WOMAN** Why not?

**SOME GUY **That's a lot of drinks for one woman

If he thinks thats a good chat up line then he is veeeeery wrong. He then attempts to order her a drink and fails miserably because Funky Student Woman is far too badass for him. Ha. She doesn't even want to know his name. Rejection. 'Pwned. Goodbye sir, you go home dateless. The random long-faced alien sitting between the pair looks slightly annoyed that he is being talked over. Poor random long-faced alien.

**GUY** Name's Jim Kirk and that is so awesome that it is accompanied by a lensflare

**WOMAN** And I'm Uhura and I'm so not impressed

**RANDOM LONG-FACED ALIEN** These people think they're so funny. Here I am, brain the size of a planet and I have to listen to students trying to exchange funny banter *sigh*

Oh, and Uhura is her last name and she's not giving anyone her first name. What is it, something weird like Marmaduke? In the meantime, have some MOAR LENSFLARE! And Jim finally goes to actually sit next to her and leave the long-faced alien guy in relative peace (or as much peace as you can get in a bar full of students and funky music).

**KIRK** What are you studying then? Seeing as I can tell you're a student from the obscene number of drinks and the uniform

**UHURA** Xenolinguistics

**KIRK** Oo, that means you've got a talented tongue

**UHURA** *amused but trying to hide it* Stop attempting to flirt with me. Please.

**STUDENT BLOKE** Hey, this guy isn't bothering you?

**UHURA **Woah! Cliche much! And he is but I can handle it. I'm awesome and funky like that

Kirk doesn't give up on his flirting attempts, which annoys the newly dubbed "Cupcake" to no end. And there's more students than there are Jim Kirk's hanging around so he'd better watch it. Uhura ignores them in favour of drinking a shot from a weird ice-cream-cone-shaped glass which is pointless because you'd never be able to put it down anywhere. Anyway, smug!Kirk is feeling smug.

**KIRK **So get some more guys and then it'll be an even fight *patronisingly pats Cupcake on the cheek*

**CUPCAKE** *is not impressed and punches Kirk in the face*

And thus a bar brawl breaks out, much to Uhura's chagrin, during which time Kirk proves that he can kick some ass and takes an oppurtunity to fondle Uhura and look amug about it before she shoves him away, now completely making a point to never go out with him ever. Even so she does attempt to get the student guys to stop beating him to a pulp. And though that doesn't work, the whistling of a guy who is evendently their adult superior eventually gets them to quit punching Kirk in the face. Teacher guy is not best pleased, though he _can_ whistle very loud.

I can't whistle at all. *sigh*

A bit later on, bar now empty of students, the teacher bloke (also known as Captain Pike) is having a nice little chat with Kirk, who has a couple of tissues up his nose and looks rather silly. Pike gives Kirk a nice little lecture about how similar he is to his dad George, who Pike appears to have admired, and also that he is rather clever. All of which culminates in the offer to enlist in Starfleet. Unsure!Kirk is unsure.

And so we fade from Kirk staring at a salt dispenser that is shaped like a spaceship for some reason to Kirk riding through feilds on his motorbike down to the shipyard (which is like a shipyard at the seaside, except for spaceships, and thus is way more industrail and awesome looking) in order that the filmmakers will have some decent footage to create a nice trailer. With the sun all risen and the place all sunny, he pulls up in time for Pike to spot him and to brag at Pike that he'll be able to get through the training in three years rather than four.

The shuttle is filled with students in red uniforms, uncluding Cupcake and Uhura who don't look particularly pleased to see Kirk. Kirk bashes his head (amusingly) and sits down just in time to witness a scuffle as some unshaven, ruffled-looking guy is pulled from the toilets and forced into the seat next to him. And he doesn't _need_ a doctor, dammit he _is _a doctor!

**BONES** **(because of course that's who he is) **I may throw up on you

Talk about a greeting. Bones them goes on to list a number of not very nice things that could go wrong. Way to be reassuring.

**KIRK **Erm, you do know that Starfleet operates in space, right?

**BONES** ... Yeah. *has a drink from a flask* Whatever. Nothing better to do.

**KIRK** Riiiight

This could be the start of a beautiful friendship :)

And so the shuttle takes off and we are off into space... Hooray!

**5 – Three years later. In space. Where there are pretty gold clouds and a giant insect/porcupine-like ship.**

WOAH! Thanks for the lovely close-up on the bald tattooed face of Captain Nero. Looking smug. Sheesh, he's been stuck in space for twenty-five years, how do they pass the time? Scrabble?

Oh, he's been requested on the bridge. Apparently "it's time". Oo.

Anyone else notice that the Romulan's eyes have completely black irises. It's kind of creepy. Then again, they are the badguys. And now they are at the co-ordinates its time for them to wait for the one who destroyed their home. The plot thickens. But they aren't going to kill him, they're going to make him watch... something...

The light outside flickers and sparks and a black hole like the one from the prologue appears in space and out of it flies... The spinning awesome ship that the Romulans had a hologram of. Nero orders it to be captured

**NERO** Welcome back, Spock

Wait a minute... What?

**6 – Kirk and Bones, all dressed in red uniforms, are on campus**

And Kirk is happy. And flirting. And taking some test again. So he's gotta study

**BONES** Study my ass

And, in some bedroom Kirk and some girl are making out. As you do the day before you've gotta take an important test. Then again, I should be revising biology and I'm writing fanfic so I can't talk.

Anyway, the girl orders the lights to turn on and ... GINGER ELPHABA! Yeah. She's green and she's ginger. And her roommate is coming. Hide Kirk! Hide!

And of course her roommate is Uhura. Just had to be, didn't she? Who is not interested in guys. In fact she is far more interested in talking about whatever she's been up to all day, such as tracking solar systems and listening to emergency Klingon transmissions. Ginger Elphaba roommate is impressed- not. Kirk is far more interested in watching Uhura wondering around in her underwear. Ginger Elphaba wants to know if she's going back to the lab tonight.

**UHURA** Who is he?

Bus-ted.

**KIRK** Hi there

**UHURA **YOU! GO THE HECK AWAY!

**KIRK **If I pass that test tomorrow will you tell me your first name?

**UHURA** Flirting still not working. At all. Ever. Bye. *shuts door on Kirk*

Once again 'pwned by the funky student lady :)

And now it is the next day, apparent by the blue uniforms everyone is wearing on what appears to be a mock up of a ship's bridge. Where the test- it must be the test because Uhura doesn't exactly sound panicked- is to rescue a stranded ship. Smug!Kirk, acting as captain for the test, is smug and would very much like it if you addressed him as "captain", please.

**BONES** *eyeroll*

Aaand two Klingon vessels have just locked weapons on their ship. But according to Kirk, that's okay. Bones now thinks that Kirk is out of his mind.

**BONES** That's okay?

**KIRK **Yeah, don't worry about it?

**BONES **What have you been _taking_?

A zoom out to the people watching the test take place. They seem to think that Kirk must be taking something too.

**KIRK** *smug grin*

**BONES** We're all going to die. I don't suppose that this is a problem, either.

**KIRK** Alert medical to prepare to receive all crewmembers of the stranded ship

**UHURA** I hate you

**BONES** Busy being hit and dying here. Going to do anything about it?

**KIRK **Let me think about it. No. *eats apple*

Kirk is eating an apple. This means he has an ego. Cases in point: Sylar from Heroes has eaten apples smugly a lot. He has an ego. Draco Malfoy eats apples and shoves people out of the way whilst doing it. He has an ego. Now Kirk. Who most certainally has an ego if this scene is anything to go by.

I have weird theories.

Anyway, back in the movie, everything seems to be shutting down and rebooting. People are confused. But when things turn on again, the Klingon ships have no sheild and Kirk orders his crew to fire and destroy them. Meaning he has passed the test.

**KIRK **Go me. *eats apple*

**BONES** You... AH!

**UHURA** I _still_ hate you

Outside of the test area

**TEACHER** What the fridge just happened

**CAMERA** *dramatic wooshing pan ending up on...*

**SPOCK** I do not know

**7- and of course the face that Kirk just passed a test demands what is effectively a court case. Oddly**

**KIRK** Whats with all these wooshing camera panning things? I'm starting to get kind of dizzy. And why is everyone here to watch me get told off, surely that isn't necessary? And everyone's wearing red. I'm drowning in red. Even I'm wearing red! WHAT THE FRIDGE! I CAN'T BE A REDSHIRT, I'M THE HERO OF THIS MOVIE!

**BONES ***sigh*

**JUDGE (because he effectively is one and I can't think of any other name to give him) **Got anything to say?

**KIRK** Yeah. Who the heck decided I've commited some kind of crime

**SPOCK** That would be me *gets up and joins Kirk in front of the "jury", standing behind a conviniently placed second stand*

**KIRK **Well, at least you're not wearing red.

Lol, Ginger Elphaba is sitting in the stands and standing out rather harshly against all this red. Meanwhile, Spock is lecturing Kirk about how changing the conditions of the test is not allowed, because the entire point of the test is to fail it. Kirk doesn't understand this one little bit. There are more wooshing camera movements. Please, do you want your audience to get all dizzy?

**UHURA ***smug face* I _still_ hate you

**KIRK** Yeah. I don't believe in no-win senarios. Put that in your pipe and smoke it

**SPOCK **I thought you were supposed to be clever

**KIRK** I am. I'm just not smug about it. And I can speak in plain english. Seriously, can we get some subtitle translations for this guy?

**SPOCK** I am going to ignore that and instead make anecdotes relating to the fate of your father in order to try and drill the point into your thick skull

**KIRK** I just think you're sour because I beat your test

**SPOCK** Still ignoring you.

**KIRK** *attempting to think of a comeback*

Sorry, no chance. You're going to be inturrupted because, guess what? There's a distress call from Vulcan, of all places, and all the cadets are required to go get on a ship and help out!

**SPOCK** What? *gets the heck outta there!*

**KIRK ***to Bones* Who was that pointy-eared bastard?

**BONES** I dunno. But I like him

Ah, dramatic irony. Love.

Done in the place where people go to get onto spaceships, everybody's name is called out, except for Kirk's, because he is grounded due to being a cheat. The breeze from shuttles taking off ruffles Bones' hair in a rather nice way. Ruffly hair! *squees*

Kirk is not impressed by the ruffly hair. He wants to know why the heck he's not allowed on a spaceship.

**BONES** Dammit, I am going to regret this later. I have a cunning plan...

Meanwhile, Uhura isn't happy either, even though Ginger Elphaba clearly is happy. She hasn't been assigned to the ship she wants to be on. Hey, you can't get everything, live with it. But no, Uhura is top funky to live with it, she's gonna go complain, walking past Kirk, who doesn't have a clue where Bones is taking him.

**UHURA **Commander Spock

**SPOCK** Yes

**UHURA** I'm a top student and pretty generally awesome, aren't I?

**SPOCK** Yes

**UHURA **STOP WALKING AWAY FROM ME!

**SPOCK ***turns around. Gracefully*

**UHURA** Why in heck's name have I not been assigned to the USS Enterprise?

**SPOCK** Because I don't want it to look like favouritism?

**UHURA** Wrong answer. I'm assigned to the Enterprise.

**SPOCK** Yes, I believe you are

**UHURA** Thank you. Bye

**SPOCK ***inwardly: face-palm*

**UHURA** *inwardly* I'm awesome

Meanwhile:

**KIRK **WHERE THE HECK ARE YOU TAKING ME BONES?

**BONES** Shut up. I'm doing you a favour *injects Kirk with stuff*

**KIRK** OW! Odd favour.

**BONES **You owe me. Therefore you are going to get a load of irritating symptoms of a disease even though it won't actually hurt you. Isn't that fun?

**KIRK **NO!

**BONES** Meh.

Bones manages to talk his way onto getting onto his assigned ship, the Enterprise (of course) with a rather ill-looking Kirk in tow

**KIRK** Are you sure that was just a vaccine?

**BONES **... Yes.

And so off they go in the shuttle, away from Earth, into space to where the ships are. And the ships are awesome.

**KIRK** *looking out at the ships, obviously impressed but looking very ill* I may throw up on you

**BONES** Callbacks. Lovely

**To be continued...**

**Next chapter** Bones likes needles, Kirk likes excuses and Nero _doesn't_ like Starfleet ships getting in the way of his evil plans

Also we have the introduction of Sulu and adorable!Checkov :)

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	3. Chapter 3

I'm back. Sorry about the delay, I didn't get a chance to nab the DVD from the bookcase yesterday :) Yeah, we keep our DVDs in a bookcase, what of it?

**STAR TREK 2009: ****THE AMUSING REVIEW**

**Part 3**

In which you have to look forward to: McCoy having fun with needles and the introduction of some new characters on teh Starship Enterprise

**8 – The Starship Enterprise, which is all big and pretty and shiny and Kirk and McCoy are impressed**

Even if Kirk is still feeling all woozy from being injectified. Oh, don't we all love the dramatic music of awesome?

Inside the bowels of the ship, which are all filled with pipes and people walking around in uniform and more shiny things... Oh, and that Pointy-eared bastard (hang on, didn't Bones say "I like him" about five minutes ago? Changed his mind fast). Anyway, Kirk and Bones get the heck out of the way before Spock notices them. The camera follows Spock into a lift and about three seconds later...

Woah! An Apple store! Awesome... Oh no wait, its the bridge. That's shiny too. I should stop describing things as "shiny" it's beginning to get a little out of hand. Did I mention that Zachary Quinto is shiny? Alright, shut up Queen and back to the review...

And the ship is ready for launch, so here comes Captain Pike, all in yellow, to get this party started!

**PIKE** Hey hey, this is your Captain speaking, prepare for immediate departure and remember to be _awesome_. Thrusters.

**SULU (also known as Katana-weilding-Epic!Sulu)** *load of complecated dialogue that basically amounts to "Yes sir!"*

**PIKE **Great. Maximum warp. Punch it (Chewie)

**SULU** O...kay *does so*

**EVERY OTHER SHIP IN THE FLEET** *zooms away dramatically*

**ENTERPRISE** *does nothing*

**SULU** Teh heck?

**SPOCK** *inner eyeroll*

**PIKE** ... Parking break?

Seriously.

Sulu sorts out the problem and off into space they go! Yay!

Kirk and Bones, meanwhile, have other problems. Kirk has also magically changed into a black outfit instead of the red one.

**KIRK **Thank goodness, I am no longer a red shirt... Hey, McCoy, you're still wearing red, sure about that choice?

**BONES** Shut up, you infant, and have a sedative

**KIRK **Have a wh- *falls unconcious*

**BONES** Why me?

Anyway, back on the bridge we now have the introduction of out second new member of the bridge crew, Ensign Wussian-Whizz-Kid Pavel "Adorable" "Jailbait" Chekov at your service. Pike is entranced by the adorableness, you can tell by the expression on his face. Anyway, Chekov begins the shipwide mission broadcase in his rediculous but also extremely endearing Wussian accent.

Well, he would do if it wasn't for the fact the the computer doesn't seem to understand the phrase "Wictor Wictor". Confused!Chekov is adorable (and confused). Luckily, after a bit of straining his vocal chords, he manages to get himself authorised and begins the shipwide mission broadcast (properly).

**CHEOKV** May I haff your attention ples? At tventy-two hundred hours an anomaly was detected in the nutral sone

**_PRIMEVAL_ TEAM **An anomaly! OMG where?

**PIKE **Not _that _kind of anomaly! Go the heck away!

**_PRIMEVAL_ TEAM** *dissapear in a puff of logic*

**CHEKOV ***continues mission broadcast*

**SPOCK** *dies a little inside every time Chokov mentions the planet "Wulcan"*

**ENTERPRISE CREW** Lightning storm in space, huh? Sure it wasn't just a lensflare?

**KIRK** OMFG A _LIGHTNING STORM_?

**BONES** Ah, you're back. And you can calm down, I changed out of my red outfit... OH MY GOD!

**KIRK** What... AH! WHAT THE HELL HAVE YOU DONE TO MY HANDS? *stares a swollen hands*

**BONES** Well, _that_ wasn't supposed to happen *scans him with sonic screwdriver (what? It looks kind of like one and its making a funny noise, leave me alone)*

**KIRK** STOP BLEEPING ME! I'm trying to work out whether I heard that Russian kid correctly

**BONES **Probably not...

**KIRK **GAH! We have to stop this ship!

**BONES** Wha-

**KIRK ***runs off*

**BONES **GET BACK HERE, DAMMIT!

There follows a rather amusing chase through the ship to find Uhura, during which time Kirk flails around with balloon hands and Bones injects stuff into Kirk

**KIRK **WILL YOU STOP THAT?

**BONES** No. *secretly enjoying it immensely*

Kirk finds Uhura. She is not pleased to see him and rather scared of his balloon hands. Bones is still sonic screwdriver-ing Kirk as much as possible. Kirk starts ranting about Uhura's comments earlier about an attack on a Klingon Prison Planet (which is perhaps a good reason why you should hide in the room of the green girl you were attempting to have sex with in order to hear anything her roommate might say that could be important to the suvival of a lot of people later on) Unfortunately thats about the point his tongue starts swelling up as well. Bones' reaction to this?

**BONES** I can fix that! *moar injections!*

**UHURA** Oh, the ship was Romulan!

**KIRK ***with a numb tongue* OMG- OW, BONES! WHAT TEH HECK!

**BONES ***inner vengeful snigger*

**9 – And suddenly without warning we're somewhere else, where a giant spikey thing appears to be descending from the insect/porcupine ship of the Romulans***

And firing what appears to be a stream of concentrated lava at the planet below. The planet below being Vulcan, as evidenced by Spock's mother (called Amanda Grayson, which is near enough to Abigail (bitch) Williams so meh) emerging from her house to stare in teh horror at what is happening. I just want to know why they keep showing Vulcan upside-down. It hurts my head!

Meanwhile on the Romulan ship: Seven Federation ships are on their way. Thoughtful!Nero is thoughtful.

Back on the Enterprise, now Uhura is caught up in the crazy chase through the hallways. Honestly, someone "must" have set this to the Benny Hill theme. Surely! They run onto the bridge.

**PIKE **How the heck did you get on board?

**KIRK** ... teh magics? (I had to use it somewhere) That doesn't matter right now, we have to stop the ship. Vulcan is being attacked by Romulans.

**PIKE** Ah...ha?

**SPOCK** Please get him off this ship. Please. Really.

**KIRK** Will you _shut up_?

**SPOCK** No, because I don't see what you're getting at and I hate you.

**UHURA ***smug look*

**KIRK** Erm, you do know that a lightning storm in space was what happened just before the Kelvin got torn to pieces by Romulans?

**SPOCK** How is that relevant?

**PIKE** ... Oh.

**SPOCK **Don't tell me you're agreeing with him...

**KIRK** And, I heard about an attack last night where 47 Klingon warbirds were destroyed by Romulans

**UHURA **... Oh.

**SPOCK** Et tu Uhura?

**KIRK **It's a trap, sir.

**PIKE** ...

**SPOCK **I hate myself for saying this... The cadet's logic is sound. Never make me say anything like that again.

And luckily Uhura can translate Romulan, unlike the current translator on board, so she is quickly promoted.

**UHURA **I am awesome.

**TRANSLATOR** *wonders what the heck he was doing as major translator on a ship when there are holes in his knowledge*

And by the way, all contact with the other ships in the fleet have been lost and there are no transmissions in Romulan or otherwise. That can't be good. So we'd better put shields up before they arrive at Vulcan, just in case.

It's a good thing they do because they emerge in the middle of a space battlefield. Filled with the broken remains of the other seven ships from the fleet. In other words, all those poor redshirt cadets are dead. Lovely. That probably includes Ginger Elphaba too. Shame that. Spock keeps turning around to look at the screen in a shocked sort of way. And up ahead, yup, it's the Romulan ship. And they've spotted the Enterprise.

**ROMULAN **Wanna break that one to bits too Captain Nero?

**NERO** Yeah, go for it. *lounges evilly in throne*

**REALLY BRITISH ROMULAN** Locking torpedos

There are explosions and the Enterprise can't afford to take another hit like that. And to make matters worse, the giant laser-firing-drill-thing currently making a large hole in the planet is also transmitting a signal preventing the Enterprise from communicating with anyone or transporting. But hang on, Nero's noticed something!

**NERO** Wait a minute... Its the Enterprise! I'm gonna talk to them

Nero's big face appears on the Enterprise main screen

**PIKE** I am Captain Christopher Pike. Who the hell are you?

**NERO** Hi Christopher, I'm Nero (and I'm an alcoholic)

**PIKE** What do you want anyway?

**NERO** Oh, me and my crew are just a load of vengence-driven Romulans apart from the Empire, blah blah blah. By the way, hello Spock. Long time no see

**SPOCK** I do not believe that you and I are aquainted

**NERO** Not yet. Oh, I'm from the future, might as well tell you that now. Oh, and you're a bastard and Captain Pike will come aboard my ship for negotiations. Bye bye! *dissapears from screen*

Pike gets up, having made his descision. No one is happy about this

**KIRK **Don't do it, they'll kill you

**SPOCK** I agree. Again. Even though I said I'd never agree with the cadet again. Going to that ship is a mistake.

PIKE Yeah, I know. Oh, anyone here able to fight at all?

SULU Erm... me?

PIKE Good. Come with me.

**10 – And now Nero wants someone to "prepare the red matter"**

The Red Matter turns out to be a ball of gelatenous red... stuff, in the middle of that awesome spinning ship from ealier. From which a drop is extracted with a giant needle and placed into a not-nice-looking machine of some kind.

Walking through the Enterprise, Pike about to board a shuttle onto the enemy ship. I am getting a strong feeling of deja vu. Pike gives orders that Kirk, Sulu and some bloke called Engineer Olson will space jump from the shuttle and shut down the drill thing in order that their transporters start working again. Oh, and Spock is now Captain of the Enterprise

**PIKE** And Kirk's First Officer, got that

**KIRK **What?

**SPOCK** WHAT!

**PIKE** Lovely, thanks. Bye.

Kirk and Sulu follow Pike into the lift, leaving a very confused Spock and his eyebrows to comtemplate what the heck just happened.

**To be continued...**

**Next chapter **Space jumps and an attempt to save Vulcan... And are redshirts bred to be idiotic or something?

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	4. Chapter 4

Hello there. Once again I am sorry for slow-ish updates. But here we have...

**STAR TREK 2009: ****THE AMUSING REVIEW**

**Part 4**

In which you have to look forward to: the idiocy of redshirts and lots of dramatic action-type stuffs (oo, exciting)

**11 – Back on the bridge, the newly titled Captain Spock has settled smoothly into his new role**

**BONES **Just thought you might like to know our chief Medical Officer is dead

**SPOCK** Then you'll have to take over

**BONES **Lovely. Now can I get back to the job I'm meant to be doing?

**SPOCK** Short temper much?

Meanwhile, Pike boards a shuttle followed by Kirk, Sulu and Engineer Olson who have changed into their space-jump uniforms in record time. Basically space-jumping is like skydiving except from space so you need helmets and big suits so you can breathe and not get crushed by pressure changes or burnt to a crisp by atmospheres and such. Engineer Olson is one of these very British folks. It's nice to see so many of those around. Unfortunately he is also wearing a red suit, which is just asking for trouble.

**OLSON** I can't wait to kick some Romulan arse :)

**KIRK** ... So, Sulu, what sort of combat training do you have?

**SULU** Erm... fencing

**PEOPLE WHO WATCHED THE ORIGINAL SERIES** *lol*

**KIRK** ... *_teh heck _face*

**PIKE** So, I'm about to drop you guys into space. Bye! *locks the three of them in the airlock* Anyway, you might want to know that we can't beam you back to the ship unless you turn off that drill so unless you suceed, you're screwed. No pressure and all that. I just want to tell you three good luck, we're all counting on you

And the three of them are dropped into space, where no one can hear you scream due to muted sound effects. But we can hear you breathing very heavily. (Adorable)Chekov keeps an eye on them on the main screen on the bridge. When they get close to the platform, Kirk and Sulu deploy their parachutes like the sensible people they are, but because Redshirts seem to be bred to be to dumb to live, Olson takes Pike's advice to deploy the parachute as late as possible a bit too seriously... and ends up burned to a crisp by the lava drill for his trouble.

**KIRK **Well that sucks

**SULU** Especially because Olson had the charges for blowing up this thing

**KIRK** ... Crap

**CHEKOV** ... Olson is dead. Thats... bad

Kirk lands on the platform and ends up clinging by his fingertips, but manages to get his parachute pulled back into his suit before it drags him into the lava drill and he ends up a crispy BBQ the same way as redshirt Olson. Chekov obidiently lets Spock know that "Kork" has landed.

But even though Kirk's managed to pull himself to his feet and get rid of his helmet, his problems aren't over yet. Because here comes a Romulan with a gun. Kirk's solution? Charge at him. The resulting struggle gets a couple of holes blown in Sulu's parachute.

**SULU** I am _using _this parachute!

**KIRK **Sorry!

The result of this is that Sulu almost ends up crispy BBQ as well. Twice. But luckily he has a fold up katana and slices off his parachute before it drags him into the fire. And now Epic!Sulu has his epic!katana and is ready to kick Romulan ass (or arse, as (dead)Olson would say). Which is a good thing because another one just turned up and doubled Kirk's problem. This one spots Sulu, however and draws what appears to be a fold up aex-spear thing. SWORD/AXE-SPEAR FIGHT! As opposed to the fistfight Kirk and his Romulan sparring partner are having. And Kirk is thrown off the edge of the platform and manages to hand on by his fingers. See, Kirk, I said that canyon would be good practice for later life :)

**ROMULAN WHO IS BALD LIKE ALL ROMULANS BUT GOT TO KEEP HIS BEARD ***leers and tries to stamp of Kirk's fingers*

**KIRK** *tries to prevent Romulan from stepping on his fingers and still keep a hold of the platform*

**SULU** *kicks his enemy onto the grill in the platform*

**ROMULAN ***is toasty BBQ*

**BEARD ROMULAN** *kets katana'd by Sulu and falls off the platform, which is just adding insult to injury to be honest*

Romulans have green blood. Like trolls (well, trolls in _Merlin_ anyway). You learn something new every day :) Sulu pulls Kirk onto the platform.

**SULU** Now what?

**KIRK** Well, we could shoot the drill with these guns the Romulan I was fighting left lying around

**SULU** Good idea

**KIRK AND SULU** *do so*

**DRILL** *stops*

Back on the bridge, Uhura notes that the jamming signal is gone. Chekov gets on with trying to transport Kirk and Sulu back to the ship, but Spock is more concerned with what is actually happening to the planet.

**CHEKOV** Ay Command- Keptin, sorry, Keptin

Had to make a note of that. It's sweet :)

**12 – Meanwhile, on the Nerada... **

**NERO **Lanch the red matter

**THE RED MATTER ***is launched*

**KIRK AND SULU ***watch the red matter fly past them and fall into the big hole drilled in the planet*

**KIRK** Did you just see that?

**EVERYONE ON ENTERPRISE (INCLUDING ONE WOMAN WITH TOS!UHURA'S HAIRCUT, HA HA JJ ABRAMS, VERY FUNNY)** Yeah, we saw it

**CHEKOV** The grawitational readings are off ze scale, Keptin... I sink zat they are going to create a black hole to consume ze planet

**SPOCK** ... How long does the planet have

**CHEKOV ***sad shrug* Minutes, sir

Just thought I should include that because the concentration of sadness from both characters here is heart-wrenching.

Spock orders Uhura to make sure the planet is evacuated then leaves the bridge. Confused!Uhura is confused

**UHURA** Where are you going?

**SPOCK** To do something about it... To rescue my parents, now please stop wasting time

**UHURA** ...

Meanwhile Kirk would very much like to be beamed out of here now, thank you. Unfortunately he orders this about the same time Nero orders his drill of doom to be pulled up

**KIRK **Hey, Sulu, do you think there is any danger in us standing really close to the edge of the platform

**SULU** Nah, we'll be fine

**DRILL** *is hauled up and the resulting turbulance shakes Kirk and Sulu and makes them fall off the platform*

**KIRK** DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMN!

And seeing as they are moving so much, the Enterprise can't lock on their signal and beam them back. Basically, they're screwed... But wait!

**CHEKOV** I KEN DO ZAT!

**UHURA** ... TEH HECK IS GOING ON!

Chekov runs through the ship (cue Benny Hill theme again) very fast, and gets to the desk.

**KIRK** WILL SOMEBODY PLEASE BEAM US UP!

**CHEKOV** YES! I KEN DO ZAT, HOLD ON!

Sparky sparks of beamingness surround Kirk and Sulu and beam them away just before they hit a rather large rock. They collapse on the transport pad of the Enterprise, gasping like fish

**KIRK** Wow. It's almost as if it isn't actually the fall that kills you but hitting the ground and therefore you saved us inches from death. Thanks Chekov

**CHEKOV** No problem. After all, defying physics was inwented in Wussia :)

**SPOCK** *runs up onto transporter pad, completely ignoring Kirk and Sulu, and is transported onto the surface of Vulcan*

**13 – The surface of Vulcan, where there are lots of collapsing rocks and things all around***

Spock appears in a cloud of sparks (looking vaugely like a fairy... Just saying) and after getting his barings runs off in the direction of the high council chambers.

**ABIGAIL WILLIAMS/AMANDA GRAYSON/WHATEVER SHE'S CALLING HERSELF TODAY **Spock?

**SPOCK** Why are you all standing around with the planet falling to bits around your ears. Hurry up!

The Vulcan council get the message (hooray) and off they run. I cannot help but notice that Abigail's dress looks like it was knitted by Mrs Weasley. But that doesn't matter right now because Spock would very much like it if the Enterprise would get them out now. Please. Chekov obliges and the transporting sparks appear around them

**ABIGAIL** Hey, do you think there is any danger in me standing really close to the edge of this collapsing cliff?

**SPOCK **WHAT? Yes, actually, I do!

**ABIGAIL** *realises she is standing far to close to the edge of the collapsing cliff but because she's taken Chekov's order not to move a bit too seriously she doesn't do anything about it... and falls off the cliff*

**SPOCK** MOTHER!

**CHEKOV **I'm loosing her! I'm loosing her!

The Vulcans are beamed back aboard the ship... with Spock still reaching out for his mother wondering why this sort of thing keeps happening to _him_.

And the looks on Spock and Chekov's faces qualify both of them for the prize of "deserves a really big hug right now".

And the planet of Vulcan collapses in on itself into the black hole

**HALF OF THE AUDIENCE** *cry their eyes out*

**OTHER HALF** *eat popcorn like the heartless bastards they are*

**To be continued...**

**Next chapter **We attempt to get over our sadness as a familiar face turns up on an ice planet (and I am not talking about the Cloverfield monster)

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	5. Chapter 5

**STAR TREK 2009: ****THE AMUSING REVIEW**

**Part 5**

In which you have to look forward to: adventures on an ice planet a new, but also somewhat old, face

**14 – All of us got over the sobbing now? Good, now back to the review**

In case you have forgotten, Vulcan has been destroyed. And now Spock is going to talk about it in his acting Captain's log. Heart still breaking here so I'm gonna skip over that bit and not dictate it out to you guys or anything. In summary: No Captain Pike. Vulcans now an endangered species. Romulans appear to have won. We're all screwed.

And I think Uhura might be stalking Spock, because she just followed him into the lift to give him some kisses and a hug.

Heart still breaking at the look on Zachary Quinto's face.

**UHURA** I'm sorry. I'm so sorry

Quoting _Doctor Who _now, are we?

**UHURA** What do you need?

**SPOCK** I need everyone... to continue performing admarably (and for you to stop stalking me please)

**UHURA** Okay *kisses him some more*

**SPOCK** *leaves lift looking rather lost*

CRYING EVEN MORE NOW! DAMN YOU!

**15 – The Nerada flying through space in lots of blueness**

Pike has been strapped to an operating table, it seems. Why the operating table is surrounded by bilgewater is anyone's guess.

**NERO** Hi there. I would like you to tell me how to get past all Starfleet's defences so I can destroy Earth

**PIKE **And what makes you think I'm gonna tell you that?

**NERO** Shut up! I will now rant about my motives! I was once an honest Romulan labourer with a pregnant wife and I just happened to be off planet whilst your Federation did nothing to stop my planet from breaking in half. SO DON'T TELL ME IT DIDN'T HAPPEN BECAUSE I SAW IT HAPPEN AND IT'S ALL SPOCK'S FAULT!

**PIKE **Wow. Would you like some cheese with that ham? Really though, you're spraying me with spittle, you're worse than Rassilon! Maybe that's what all that bilgewater actually is...

**NERO **Shut up. Anyway, I planned revenge and sat around in space for years doing nothing but wait and play scrabble and forget what it's like to live a normal life. Do you have any idea how annoying it is when crew members decide that "Pukey" is a word and try and put it on a triple letter score? Anyway, loosing my planet was painful and now every surviving Vulcan shares my pain. And now I am going to destroy the Federation too, only then will Romulus be truely saved.

**PIKE** Sure you don't want to evil laugh now or something?

**NERO **Righty ho, if you aren't going to co-operate I think I shall feed you a bug which will make you tell the truth. Its a Veritaserum bug!

**PIKE** Oh my... ARGH!

Tasty.

**16 – Its board meeting time on the bridge of the Enterprise**

And the Romulans are definately heading for Earth. Well isn't that juicy. Oh, and Kirk's found a chair

**KIRK** We kind of have to assume that every federation planet is a target

**SPOCK** Out of the chair

Wow, Spock's really got 'pwnage going on this movie, hasn't he?

**CHEKOV** But I don't get it. Vhy didn't zey destroy us?

**SPOCK** Because he wanted me to see the destruction of my planet, god knows why

**BONES** Talking of which, how did they do that?

**SPOCK** I think they are using the same technology to create a tunnel through space time to create black holes. I suggest you listen to that answer because it is accompanied by a dramatic shot and lensflares, therefore it must be important and true

**BONES** Dammit man, I'm a doctor, not a film director! Or a physicist for that matter. So you're suggesting they're from the future

**SPOCK** If you eliminate the impossible then whatever remains, however improbable must be the truth

**WELL-READ AUDIENCE MEMBERS** Oo! Sherlock Holmes! *are happy*

**AUDIENCE MEMBERS WHO WATCH _DOCTOR WHO_** Oo! Sherlock Holmes! That quote was in _The Hungry Earth_! *are happy*

**AUDIENCE MEMBERS WHO WATCHED WHATEVER TOS!MOVIE THAT QUOTE WAS IN** Oo, nostalgia! And Sherlock Holmes. *are happy*

**SHERLOCK HOLMES** I'm awesome

**WATSON ***drags Sherlock back to his own (awesome) movie*

**BONES** How poetic

**KIRK **Why does this guy want Pike then?

**SULU **To get details of Starfleet's defences?

_Dingdingding_, three points to Sulu.

**KIRK** We have to rescue Pike

**SPOCK** That would be illogical (bitch)

Following some suggestions by Chekov and Kirk about dropping out of warp, Spock then procedes to launch into a long explanation as to why exactly_ that_ would be illogical too (bitch) and gets faster and faster as Kirk tries his best to inturrupt.

**SPOCK** We have to join up with the rest of Starfleet

**KIRK **If we do that we are going to DIE!

**SPOCK **Did I ever tell you how much I hate you. And anyway, Nero's actions have changed history anyway and created an entirely new chain of events

**UHURA** An alternate reality

_Dingdingding_, three points to Uhura. And thank you for getting that explanation in there so JJ Abrams doesn't have to explain it all later.

**SPOCK** Precisely. Now we're going to meet up with the rest of Starfleet

**KIRK** Don't do that

**SPOCK** I am captain.

**KIRK** You are an idiot!

**BONES **Oh for heavens fridging sake!

**SPOCK** Security, escort him out

Kirk won't be having that, though. A couple of redshirts grab him and try to escort him out as instructed, but then Kirk deals them some elbow whacks and makes a break for it

**SPOCK** *sigh* If you want something doing... *nerve pinches Kirk unconcious* Now get him off this ship.

**17 - And so Kirk is placed into an escape pod and launched out into space to land on the nearest available planet which just happens to be completely frozen over**

**KIRK** Geez, thanks guys. At least you packed me a coat

And he begins a long trek through the snow to find somewhere the useful Starfleet outpost fourteen kilometres northwest of where he landed.

**KIRK **If I get frostbite and loose all my fingers I will _kill_ that Vulcan.

He attempts to record a message to Starfleet to tell them that Spock is a rule breaking idiot for marooning him here... But wait, what's that howling noise?

**WOLF CREATURE** FOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD!

**KIRK** DAMN YOU SPOCK! *runs*

The wolf creature lolops after Kirk at a leisurely pace, yowling for his blood and all that.

**KIRK** Shouldn't this be accompanied by dramatic music or something? *trips* Oh, I'm dead

**ANOTHER CREATURE** *rips through the ice and devours the wolf thing then turns it's attentions to Kirk*

**KIRK **WHAT THE FRIDGE? What is the monster from _Cloverfield_'s baby doing here? DAMN YOU JJ ABRAMS! *runs for his life some more*

Well, at least there's dramatic music now. Kirk runs for his life some more, falling down ice cliffs and screaming a lot until he finds a useful cave to hide in. BUt that isn't putting off the bug monster, which manages to latch onto him with it's tongue and is about to drag Kirk into its mouth when someone comes along with a firey torch and scares it away. And I can't help thinking thats its a pretty weak creature if it's gonna run at the first sight of fire.

**KIRK** What the heck? I'm having an _Empire Strikes Back _hallucination, what are doing here Obi Wan Kenobi?

**GUY WHO IS NOT OBI WAN KENBOI** I am not Obi Wan Kenobi. I have been and always shall be your friend

**KIRK** Please speak in distinguishable sentences, you're worse than the Great Slash Dragon

**SPOCK PRIME** Alright then. I am Spock

**KIRK** ... Bullshit

**To be continued...**

**Next chapter **Backstory ftw... AND SIMON PEGG! :)

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	6. Chapter 6

Erm... for those who watch Doctor Who this chapter contains some very mild spoilers for _The Pandorica Opens_. Basically if you haven't seen the episode you might not get it but I'm warning you just in case

**STAR TREK 2009: ****THE AMUSING REVIEW**

**Part 6**

In which you have to look forward to: SIMON FREAKING PEGG!

**18 – In the ice cave there's a nice little fire going and Kirk and Spock Prime are having a nice chat**

**OBI-WAN SPOCK (gets used to these folks) **Its wonderful to see you again, old friend. Toasted marshmallow?

**KIRK** Please, just explain to me how the heck I ended up being friends with that pointy-eared, slightly scary bastard with the intense stare... No offense

**DUMBLESPOCK** Huh? Aren't you Captain

**KIRK** Erm... No

**SPOCKTIMOUS PRIME** Oh crap. It wasn't supposed to go like this! What about the greatest bromance in the history of time and space? It'll never happen! This is all Nero's fault, that particularly troubled Romulan

**KIRK **Woah for understatement of the century

**GANDALF-SPOCK** Right. I think this calls for a trip to the department of backstory. That will make things a whole lot easier for both of us and all the slash fans who I'm sure are feeling particularly annoyed

**KIRK** Pardon?

Spock Prime puts his fingers on Kirk's face and in a woosh we are transported into TEH FUTURE! 129 years into teh future to be specific

**SPOCK KENOBI** A star explodes and threatens to destroy the galaxy

**RIVER SONG** Sucks when that happens, doesn't it?

**THE DOCTOR ***grumble*stupidbloodytimecracks*grumble*

**KIRK **Wow, did you find out about it from a Van Gogh painting of the star exploding or something?

**THE DOCTOR ***major glare*

**FUTURE!SPOCK** I think you are your fandoms getting confused. Anyway, this star went supernova and I promised the Romulans that I would save their planet which was kind of a stupid thing to promise. I probably should have just promised to _try_ instead of actually promising... Anyway, long story short, I had this awesome ship with this stuff called red matter which I was going to use to make a black hole and consume the supernova before it could destroy Romulus but I got the timing a bit wrong and the explosion destroyed Romulus anyway. But I made the black hole anyway just to get rid of the explosion and that worked. But then Nero turned up and was v. angry and both of us were pulled into the black hole. For some reason Nero ended up in the past twenty five years before I did. Then when I finally turned up he captured me and dumped me on this planet to get a front seat view of Vulcan being pulled into a black hole. Sucks, to be honest. But at least I got a nice winter coat

**FANGIRLS** And at least we got a nice shot of topless, sweaty Eric Bana :)

**KIRK** GAH! FANGIRLS! *pulls away from mindmeld to escape*

**OLD!SPOCK** Now you know.

**KIRK** I am disturbed...

**SPOCK PRIME **Soz about that. Now, are we going to go find this Starfleet outpost or what?

**KIRK **One question. In your timeline did I know my father

**NIMOY!SPOCK** Yes. And you were captain of the Enterprise too. And excellent in bed

**KIRK** What?

**SPOCK PRIME** I said nothing

**19 – Back on the Enterprise...**

Spock would like to have a chat with Bones

**BONES **I'm fine with that. After all, this scene is my last big chunk of dialogue before my role as third-most-important/helpful-male-in-this-film is taken by some Scottish bloke. But that doesn't matter right now. Are you out of your _Vulcan_ mind?

**SPOCK** Was that an attempt to use inflection to suggest swearing without actually swearing because I managed a rather better attempt in one of my first scenes?

**BONES **Oh shut up. Whats with going and marooning Kirk on an ice planet, huh? Back home we have a saying : "if you're gonna ride in the Kentucky derby you don't leave your prized stallion at the stables"

**SPOCK** A curious metaphor doctor, as a stallion must first be broken before it can reach its potential

And a gasquillion fangirls began squeeing over that sentence and musing about how it relates to Spock's feelings for Kirk and using it as basis for fanfic

**BONES** *facepalm* Now look what you've done!

**SPOCK** I'm sure I have no idea what you mean

**BONES** gaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

**SPOCK** If crew moral is better served by my roaming the halls weeping then I will gladly defer to your medical expertise

**ZACHARY QUINTO FANGIRLS (who like that sort of thing) **YES! PLEASE DO!

**BONES **Excuse me whilst I go bang my head against a wall

**20 – Back on the ice planet in the snow, Kirk and Spock Prime have found the Starfleet outpost**

Spock Prime strides in and Kirk is effectively forced to shut the door behind him with great effort against the gale force blizzard winds. Inside it's pretty grim and dank with lights that aren't quite working and with a strange population of three: a hungry Scotsman, a funny little green alien with googles and a tribble in a cage.

**SIMON FREAKING PEGG** I hate Starfleet, you know, leaving me here on my own on an ice planet for six months with no freaking sandwiches.

**SPOCK-DALF** Fascinating

**SIMON FREAKING PEGG** Glad you think so. I'm freaking hungry here! This is punishment for that accident, isn't it? That accident which was clearly an accident and cannot in any way have been anything but an accident

**DUMBLESPOCK** You are Montgomery Scott

**SCOTTY **Erm, duh. Where's the freaking food

**GREEN ALIEN **I like food too

**SCOTTY **Oh shut up. Anyway, so I was trying to create a form of transwarp beaming and tested on Admeral Archer's prize beagle...

**KIRK** And where is that now?

**SCOTTY** Erm, I'll tell you when it turns up. And it was an accident. Did I mention that? So Starfleet sticking me here was a total miscarriage of justice

**OLD!SPOCK** You do know you're theory is correct

**SCOTTY** Teh scarf? Are you from the future

**NIMOY!SPOCK **Yes

**KIRK** I'm not

**WISEOLD!SPOCK** Ssh.

**SCOTTY **Well that's awesome. Do they still have sandwiches there? ... Scratch that question, I'll get you beamed onto that ship instead

Scotty then goes into a bunch of technical babble that just about cements the Scotty/Enterprise Cargo Ship (pun completely intended). Spock Prime ignores the technobabble and types from stuff into a computer in order to make sure the transportation actually works. Impressed!Scotty is impressed. The green alien hangs around sitting on things that aren't meant to be sat on. Kirk is generally quiet and confused, and asks Spock Prime if he is coming with them. But nah, that is not his destiny

**GAIUS AND SPARKY** _Destiny _*clink coffee mugs*

**KIRK** Huhwhat? Who were they?

**SPOCK PRIME** Pay no attention to the man and slash dragon behind the curtain

**KIRK** Never mind. The other Spock- the slightly scary one with the eyebrows that would be _eyebrows_ if they hadn't been mutilated and the really intense stare- is not going to listen to me. Why can't you tell him yourself to start being intelligent and listening to me?

**DOCTOR WHO FANS** BECAUSE REAPERS HAPPEN!

**NINTH DOCTOR **To paraphrase: "Don't. Touch. The. Baby."

**ROSE TYLER** Grumpy

**KIRK** My head hurts

**SPOCK PRIME** The Time Lord is right. If me and my young self meet the universe goes boom

**THE (ELEVENTH) DOCTOR** *grumble*bitlateforthatnow*grumble*

**SPOCK PRIME** So don't let my young self know I exist. There's a good chap. Just emotionally compromise my young self so he isn't fit to be captain any more and try not to get yourself killed, okay

**KIRK** But I... What... I don't... You can't... My head_ really_ hurts now

**SCOTTY **Are we going or what?

Kirk gets onto the transporter pad and mentions that coming back in time to change history is cheating. Spock Prime notes that its a trick he learned from an old friend

**KIRK** Ah, callbacks :)

And they are transported away in a (mc)flurry of transportery sparks. Green alien looks upset that his friend Scotty has gone, but hey, thats life :)

**To be continued...**

**Next chapter **Some trouble in the engine room, the return of our favourite Cupcake and Spock proves that at least some characters played by Zachary Quinto can fistfight worth toffee

* * *

**Read and Review :)**


	7. Chapter 7

**STAR TREK 2009: ****THE AMUSING REVIEW**

**Part 7**

In which you have to look forward to: The scene that launched a thousand Kirk/Spock fics

**21 – Success! Kirk and Scotty have beamed onto the Enterprise...**

... or, at least, Kirk has. In an engine room, no less. But where the heck has Scotty got to?

**KIRK **Probably beamed himself straight to the kitchen to get that sandwich

Or not. Again. Judging by the bashing coming from the inside one of the tanks in the engine room

**KIRK** Gah! The monster from the planet Midnight! That episode scared the crap outta me!

Nope, it ain't the monster from the planet Midnight. It's Scotty who, unluckily for him, has just beem beamed right into the water pipe system in the engine room and is now hurtling with the current towards another tank which- for reasons that shall remain unknown- is filled with multiple spinning blades

**SCOTTY** *gurgles* DAMN YOU JJ ABRAMS!

**KIRK** Now what am I meant to do? *handily disposes of winter coat whilst on the move*

Luckily for our favourite Scotsman, Kirk finds a computer and manages to open a handy release valve, which disposits Scotty in a waterfall on the ground. Scotty's grouchy and wet, but he's alive so that's fine.

In other news, (adorable)Chekov has noticed the presence of the intruders and is busy reporting this oddness to Spock.

**SPOCK** Bring up the visual

**CHEKOV** *does as he's told*

**SPOCK** *probably spots that one of the intruders is Kirk and orders security to go bring them the hell up to the bridge. Please*

Down in the engine room Kirk and Scotty are running around aimlessly. And you know, its probably for their own good that the security redshirts turn up because otherwise where else would they go anyway? Oh, and they are led by Cupcake, who is still sour about being giving a demeaning nickname and being punched by Kirk even after several years. Some people just bear grudges, I guess.

**CUPCAKE **Come with me, Cupcake!

**KIRK** Yeah. Not funny, seeing as it wasn't me who said it. And besides, you're still Cupcake, Cupcake.

**CUPCAKE** Don't get clever with me

**SCOTTY** *gigglesnort*

Up on the bridge, Spock is patiently awaiting an explanation for this bullshit.

**SPOCK** And who are you?

**KIRK **James Tiberius Kirk (bitch)

**SPOCK** I was not talking to you. How did you beam aboard this ship?

**KIRK **You lensflares don't impress me. Anyway, you're meant to be the genius, you figure it out

**SCOTTY **I have nothing to do with this *attempts to sneak away*

**SPOCK **Answer the question

**KIRK** How about no? Did I make you angry? Frustrated? Anything?

**SPOCK** I am ignoring you. You, odd scottish man, are you a member of Starfleet

**AD-LIBBING SIMON PEGG **Erm... yes. Can I get a towel?

**AUDIENCE ***crack up*

**REST OF THE CAST** *crack up for half a dozen takes or more, according to the outtakes/interviews*

**SPOCK** *still patiently awaiting an explanation for this bullshit*

**KIRK **Don't answer him

**SCOTTY **Can I stay out of these arguments? Please?

**SPOCK** You will answer me

**SCOTTY** *hides* This guy is creepy!

**KIRK** Spock. One question. What is your problem?

**SPOCK ***epic glare. Take warning*

**KIRK** Your planet was just destroyed, your mother murdered and you're not even upset

**SPOCK **I strongly advise you to be quiet now

**KIRK** Erm. No. You heartless bastard.

Kirk starts ranting at Spock about his mother. Not a good move. Not a good move _at all_. And one word too many, you can practically hear the snap

**SPOCK** *roar of anger*

At which point Spock delivers a complete beatdown of Kirk, ending up pinning him to a console and choking him almost to the point of unconciousness. You do not suggest that Spock never loved his mother. Never.

And the fangirls rejoiced. Cue the several billion Kirk/Spock fics that stemmed from this scene.

Anyway, Spock's father eventually speaks up. About ten seconds later Spock regains his senses and lets go of Kirk, the look on his face reading complete and utter "What the hell have I done?" After reporting that he, unfortunately, is no longer fit to be Captain of the Enterprise he gets the hell out of there. Everybody is very quiet and solemn. Uhura and Sarek watch Spock leave the bridge sadly, then Sarek follows him out. Bones wonders what the heck happened to his part (Spamalot songs unnecessary but possible).

**SCOTTY **I _like_ this ship! It's _exciting_!

**AUDIENCE** *crack up again*

**BONES **Congrats all. Now we haven't got a captain or a first officer to replace him. And a Scottish man has stolen my importance. I hope you're happy.

**KIRK **About the whole Captain thing... *gets up and sits in the Captains chair* Wow. This chair makes me feel powerful and_ awesome_

**SULU **He's right, you know

**BONES ***epic facepalm*

**UHURA** I'd like for you to know that I _still _hate you. Captain.

**HALF THE AUDIENCE** *don't hear a word she says because they are too busy cheering their faces off*

**OTHER HALF** *eat popcorn, but cannot fail to hide that they are impressed*

**22 – Attention crew of the Enterprise, this is James T Kirk speaking**

And we are heading for Earth, thank you very much. Spock isn't paying attention. He's too busy walking in slow mo through the hallways looking lost.

**KIRK **We are going to kick some Romulan butt today. Kirk out (bitches)

Spock, meanwhile, is trying to regain some hold of the situation by hanging around in the transporter area, which is where his dad eventually finds him.

**SAREK** *britishly* Speak your mind, Spock

**SPOCK **Please go away. I'm having a depressed recolection moment

**SAREK ***sigh* _Kids..._

**SPOCK** Thinking about mother. Feeling angry. Don't like feeling angry. Very depressed. Why won't you people and your lensflares leave me alone?

**SAREK **You know when you were a kid you asked me why I married your mother

**SPOCK** That was ages ago, how do you remember that?

**SAREK** A bloke called JJ Abrams recorded it for future reference and put a load of lensflares on it and stuck it at the beginning of this film as a poignant moment. My contract states I'm obliged to remember these sorts of things so I can tell you about them in later poignant moments

**SPOCK** ...

**SAREK** I lied, by the way, about marrying her because it was logical at the time. Actually I married her because I loved her

**SPOCK** ... You know if that was meant to make me feel better... It didn't. It's just even more depressing owing to the fact that she is kind of dead right now

**SAREK** You'll get over it. I think the bridge needs you to turn up having had a change of heart about Kirk spurred on by my poignant speech to you right about now so hurry up

**SPOCK** ... *eyebrow*

**SAREK **You just stand here and think about it for a minute

**23 – Methinks (Adorable)Chekov has discowered something**

**CHEKOV **Keptin Kork! Keptin Kork!

**KIRK **Yes, what is it?

**CHEKOV** I have predicted zat Nero vill trawel past Saturn

**SCOTTY** *cleans ear will listening*

**CHEKOV** If Misster Scott can hide uz behind von of Saturn's moons then we shall be inwisible to Nero's sensors and beam aboard ze enemy shep

**SCOTTY** Ay, that might work. Thanks for these nice new clothes by the way. Not sure about the colour though. Red, really?

**BONES** *grumble* How old are you supposed to be anyway, kid?

**CHEOKV** Sewenteen, sir

Aaaaand the hopes of several thousand America jailbait-loving fangirls were crushed. And England cheered because the legal age is sixteen over here. Ha ha ha.

**BONES** Oh good, he's seventeen

**KIRK** I really don't know what that point of your repeating that was. At all.

**SPOCK** He's right, you know. Oh, and I volunteer to beam aboard the ship, steal back the black hole device and rescue Captain Pike

**BONES **Wow, you recovered from that heroic BSOD pretty quickly

**SAREK** I am _awesome_

**KIRK** ... I'm coming with you. The soaring music states that I have to

**SPOCK **I am not one to argue with the soaring music. Especially seeing as you would just ignore me anyway

**KIRK** *slaps Spock playfully on the shoulder* See, we are getting to know each other

Meanwhile in Camelot:

**MERLIN** Do all great friendships always start this way?

**ARTHUR** I don't know. Now polish my sword *eyebrows, eyebrows, eyebrows*

**MERLIN ***sigh* I am so going to magic your mouth shut one of these days. Yes Arthur. Especially as you'd just put me in the stocks if I don't

**ARTHUR** *ruffles Merlin's hair* See, we are getting to know one another

**MERLIN** *eyeroll*

Meanwhile, somewhere completely different:

**TEH GREAT SLASH DRAGON** I raise a toast to our awesomeness

**SPOCK PRIME AND GAIUS** Hell yes

**HUNITH AND THE GHOST OF ABIGAIL WILLIAMS** Agreed

**ALL** *clink coffee mugs*

**To be continued...**

**Next chapter **Its time to sort out these Romulans once and for all... If only people would stop choking Kirk and making him hang off of ledges

* * *

**Read and Review :)**


	8. Chapter 8

Hi there. I still own nothing. Except for the random bracelet I made at the school fair today... I own that. Because the art teacher made me make it... Its an odd story...

**STAR TREK 2009: THE AMUSING REVIEW**

**Part 8**

In which you have to look forward to: Arse-kicking and general 'pwnage. A lot of it

**24 –Oh look. Earth**

Oh look... Earth just turned green and has weird things and icons and stuff appearing all over it because it is actually just a projection on a computer screen inside the Narada, or something. Interested!Nero is interested. And smug.

And, because its fun and he's evil and he wants to, he lowers the giant laser drill of doomage towards Earth and starts to fry a nice toasty hole into the Earth. As you do.

Meanwhile the Enterprise has come to a halt in a cloud of brown-yellowish space-gas/dust. Sulu and (adorable)Chekov exchange some technical jargon that I can't be bothered to work out and raise the Enterprise out of the cloud of space-gas/dust. And there is a nice dramatic shot of the Enterprise hovering next to Saturn. You know, just to impress the audience.

Scotty is rather too busy to observe the pretty cinematography, however. He's got a Captain and a Vulcan to beam aboard the enemy ship. At least, he would do if Uhura would get her tongue out of Spock's mouth any time soon.

**KIRK** *gawps*

**KIRK/SPOCK FANS** *also gawp... angrily*

**EVERYONE ELSE** *gawps too*

**SCOTTY** ... I think I speak for everyone when I say: _Alllllllright then_

Scotty, you can't talk, you are wearing your earpiece in front of your eye.

Methinks Kirk and all the Zachary Quinto fangirls and Zoe Saldana fanboys are extremely jealous right now.

Anyway, Uhura and Spock have finally unglued their lips from each other and are now exchanging sweet whispers and farewells and good lucks and what have you

**UHURA** I'll be monitoring your frequencies

**SPOCK** Was that meant to sound romantic or was it some kind of sexual innuendo?

**UHURA *shrugs***

**SPOCK** Thank you, Nyota

**TOS-FANS WHO SPECULATED ON THE FANON/CANON STATUS OF UHRUA'S FIRST NAME** I _knew_ it!

**KIRK** Teh _heck_ just happened?

**SPOCK** I have no comment on the matter

**SCOTTY** Have you lot quite finished flirting around yet? Okay-dokey then, if there's any common sense in the design of the enemy ship I should be putting you somewhere in the cargo bay, not a soul in sight.

**KIRK** Scotty, are you absolutely su...

**SCOTTY **Bye then!

The sparks of transporterness fly around and Kirk and Spock disappear.

**25 – On board the Narada, Kirk and Spock appear again... In what is most certainally not a deserted cargo bay**

**KIRK** ...re about that?

**ROMULANS** INTRUDERS! SHOOT THEM!

**KIRK** _DAMN YOU SCOTTY!_

There follows a gunfight. Well, there follows a period of Kirk and Spock attempting to find cover whilst being shot at by a load of Romulans and only managing to get in a few megre shots themselves. Eventually they manage to find cover and start having a proper shootout. Meanwhile a Romulan finds a screen and uses it to talk to Nero

**ROMULAN **Erm, Captain, you might like to know there's a couple of intruders just turned up and started shooting at us... Oh, and one of them is Vulcan. Are you having a nice day?

**NERO** ... Damn

And Nero runs off, presumably to face the intruders himself. Because he is an awesome villain and not one of those cowardly type ones that just runs away at the first sign of danger.

Note repeated shot of Spock firing his pistol.

They manage to take down most of the Romulans, then Spock goes and does that mind-meld-y thing like the Doctor did to Reinette (but not in the way he did with that Craig/Smithy guy, because that hurt and he's never doing that again...) to one of the unconscious Romulans. Whilst Kirk fries the pants off of one Romulan who attempts to sneak up on Spock. And by doing that Spock now knows both where the black-hole device is and Captain Pike too. Which is good.

**26 – The laser drill, meanwhile and rather coincidentally, happens to be drilling right next to:**

Starfleet Academy, because its a location we've seen before and there's a nice number of red-uniformed cadets hanging around to gawp and scream

The Golden Gate Bridge, because this wouldn't be a proper action packed awesomeness movie of awesome if some American landmark wasn't in danger of being blown up/destroyed/lasered

**GOLDEN GATE BRIDGE** Oh _come on_! First X-Men 3 and now _this_? Pick on someone else for a change!

On the Enterprise, Uhura is ruuuuuuuuunning! And Chekov is babbling. And Sulu would like to point out that Kirk and Spock are on their own now.

Stupid laser drill of doomage.

On the Nerada:

**SPOCK AND KIRK** *are jogging*

**SPOCK'S HAIR** *is bouncy, but not as much as Prince Arthur's. Still rather humorous though*

**KIRK AND SPOCK** Woah, now that is an awesome ship

Because, yup, the awesome ship is in front of them. And it is _awesome_. Awesome and a packet of crisps.

**SPOCK** Problem. This ship is far more complicated and technologically advanced than I had anticipated

**KIRK **Well it_ is_ from the future, you know

**AWESOME SHIP **Voice and face recognition- welcome back Ambassador Spock

**SPOCK** I'm gonna be an Ambassador one day? Spoilers

**KIRK** Well, that sorted out the problem quite quickly. Now what?

**SPOCK **Hang on a minute. The future? Kirk, it appears you have been keeping important information from me

**KIRK** Huhwhat? *innocent face, whistle whistle*

**SPOCK** *impatient glare*

**KIRK** Erm, subject change. You are gonna be able to fly this ship, right?

**SPOCK **Something tells me I already have

**KIRK** Awesome. Bye then.

**SPOCK** Not so fast. Jim, if I don't return please tell Uhura...

**KIRK** GAH! THE CLICHE! IT _BURNS_!

**SPOCK** ...

**KIRK** It'll work *leaves*

**SPOCK** *eyebrow of doom, sits in chair* Fascinating...

**NINTH DOCTOR** Shouldn't that be "Fan_tas_tic"?

**SPOCK **... No

**NINTH DOCTOR** Meh. *naffs off*

The awesome ship of awesome takes off.

**27 – Kirk is now sneaking around looking for Captain Pike**

Presumably Spock told him where Pike is off-screen. As you do.

**KIRK** Why the fridge have these Romulans got a network of pseudo-sewers in their ship? Really?

**JJ ABRAMS** Because it is _cool_. Now get on with it.

**KIRK **This ship is _bloody creepy_!

Oh look, there's Nero. Standing in front of a circular window thing that I can't happen to be reminded of some scene in Star Wars by

**KIRK** If anyone says "Jim, I am you're father" I am leaving. Nero, disable the drill or I will kick your...

**ROMULAN ***whacks Kirk in the head*

**KIRK** *falls over*

**NERO** Idiot

Kirk's gun falls over the side of one of the inconvenient platforms with no handrails of any kind hanging over a deathly drop. Hooray. Anyway, here comes Nero and he's going to use this opportunity to brag.

**NERO** Hm, now this is familiar. Where have I seen this before? Hm? *thinks*

Meanwhile Spock manages to break out of the Narada in the awesome ship. Whilst Kirk is being beaten up by Nero and his friend. And ends up being strangled by Nero whilst Nero continues braging into his face. And Kirk wonders if he is a magnet for being choked and dangled off of ledges or something

**NERO** *thinks* Oh! Ah, yes, I remember. This is just the way you're father looked before he died.

In the awesome ship Spock is busy taking the leaf out of the book out of a load of Spitfire pilots who have managed to convert their planes into Space-Spitfires and is shooting down that drill. Which sends the drill plummeting towards Earth

**GOLDEN GATE BRIDGE** Well that's just unfair! DAMN YOU JJ ABRAMS! Goodbye cruel world!

**STARFLEET CADETS** *scream in terror*

**DRILL** *lands in the sea next to the bridge*

**GOLDEN GATE BRIDGE** *nervously* I'm... alive? Really? They spared me? THANK YOU JJ ABRAMS!

Meanwhile, Kirk is kind of running out of air here... At least until...

ROMULAN *over tannoy* Erm, Captain, you might wanna know the Vulcan stole the ship of awesomeage and then used it to destroy our drill so... We're kinda stuffed

...

Long awkward pause

...

**NERO** ... _!_

That done...

**NERO** *slo-mo Matrix-leap across the platforms and awaaaay*

He quickly finds himself a screen and manages to get his face up on a little communication screen in the awesome ship of awesome

**NERO** Spock, I knew I should have killed you when I had the chance

**SPOCK** Well, you _didn't_, so... You fail. Oh, and I've just confiscated this ship off you. Surrender or else. Now please.

**NERO** Right. Kill him

**ROMULAN** But sir, if you ignite the red matter then...

**NERO** I WANT SPOCK DEAD _NOW_!

**ROMULAN** Sheesh, alright, whatever you say *sigh*

And a load of missiles are fired at the awesome ship. Because Nero wants Spock dead NOW. As in NOW.

**SPOCK** Oh... crap

But luckily there is a shiny little warp feature that Spock uses. Unfortunately Nero has one too

Back on those inconvenient platforms of doom, Kirk is still in trouble, because Nero's left his friend to deal with him whilst he whines and orders everybody else about and wants Spock dead NOW.

**KIRK** *attempts slo-mo matrix leap onto lower platform and FAILS*

And he is left hanging over a ledge. _Another _ledge, mind you.

**ROMULAN** Heh, idiot *picks up Kirk by the neck and chokes him whilst dangling him over the edge of the drop into emptiness and inevitable death* Your species is even weaker than I expected

**KIRK** *chokes*

**ROMULAN** Any last words, weakling?

**KIRK **Yeah, actually

**ROMULAN** ...?

**KIRK** I've got your gun

**ROMULAN** Wha-

**KIRK ***shoots him*

**ROMULAN** Daaaaaaamn yoooooooouuuu JJ Aaaaaaaabraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa_aaaaaaaamssss..._ *falls into emptiness and inevitable death. And dies*

**KIRK** *pulls himself back onto solid ground* _Ownage_.

**To be continued...**

**Next chapter **The daring rescue of Pike and the even more daring escape of the Enterprise from a black hole whilst Nero undergoes a villainous breakdown. And my amusing take on the film's credits


	9. Chapter 9

I must say, I am extremely irritated with FF. It erased Nero's elogated cry of "**_SPOCK!_**" from the last chapter. *sigh*

Anyway...

Here we are, for the last time. Its a sad occasion. So hey, enjoy this instalment of...

**STAR TREK 2009: THE AMUSING REVIEW**

**Part 9**

In which you have to look forward to: Dramatic tension you could cut with a spork

**28 – In the ship of awesome...**

Things are spinning. Awesomely. Which does not erase the small issue of the Nerada having just caught up with Spock's ship. In order to combat this Spock turns his ship around and starts to fly directly towards the Nerada. Nero (and the audience) are, understandably, confusified.

**COMPUTER** (_freakishly calmly_) Ambassador Spock, you do realise you are on a collusion course

**SPOCK** That's the general idea, yes

**NERO** Teh HECK is he doing? What to do? I know! FIRE EVERYTHING!

The crew of the Nerada, obediently, fire everything and the kitchen sink (well, if Nero isn't going to be _specific_...) in Spock's direction

**COMPUTER** Incoming missiles. If the ship is hit the red matter will be ignited and you will be screwed

**SPOCK** Understood

**COMPUTER** *sigh* -_-

**NERO** Go me. I am awesome. Spock is a n00b. I win :)

**ROMULAN** Erm... Captain...

Aaaaaaand- the Enterprise zooms into view, Big Damn Heroes stylee and blows up all the missiles. And it is _awesome_.

**29 – Kirk, meanwhile, all ownaged up and in possesion of a Romulan gun, seems to have found Captain Pike**

And the level of guarding of him is pretty low, let me tell you. Just as well, to be honest.

**PIKE** What are you doing here?

**KIRK** Rescuing you of course. If you don't want me here I could just go away and get coffee or something

**PIKE** ...

**KIRK** Just following orders

Kirk gets to unstrapping Pike from the operating table of imprisonment and doom, but has his back turned and thus doesn't notice the Romulan sneaking up behind him with a rifle... Luckily hours of imprisonment have done nothing to blunt Pike's reflexes and the Romulan is down in the blink of an eye

**PIKE** Ownage

Spock, by the way, is still on a collusion course. And Nero, having fired everything and failed to hit him, has nothing left to try. Especially seeing as the rest of his crew have other things on their minds

**ROMULANS** Run away! *do so*

And Kirk would very much like it for the Enterprise to beam them up now. And so would Kirk

The Enterprise is very happy to oblige, and along come the sparks of transporterness...

The Spinning Ship of Awesome crashes into the Nerada.

Things go _boom_

**30 – As our heroes are beamed aboard ship... Awesomely**

**SCOTTY **Wooooo! Go me! Oh yes! Awesomeness in a can, that is me!

**BONES** *rushes into transporter room* JIM! YOU'RE ALIVE! I KNEW IT! SULU OWES ME TEN BUCKS! ... Hey, a line! I didn't get any lines at all in the last section. Anyway, I should probably be taking Pike to the sick bay right now. Along with this nurse who appears to be holding some kind of weird thing... That's just odd. Anyway, off we go

**SCOTTY** Huh... What? That was pretty good

**EVERYONE ELSE** *has left*

**SCOTTY** Isn't anyone going to admire my awesomeness?

On the bridge (adorable)Chekov is very pleased to announce that the enemy ship is loosing power and their sheilds are down.

Oh, and by the way, in the middle of the Nerada the red matter had just united. Which means- GIANT FREAKING BLACK HOLE!

**NERO** Oh... _damn_

Might as well use the time to communicate with your enemies, eh?

**KIRK** This is Captain James T Kirk of the USS Enterprise

**HALF THE AUDIENCE** *cheer*

**OTHER HALF** *attempt to listen to Kirk's badass speech over the sound of the first half of the audience cheering. Whilst eating popcorn*

KIRK So, basically, you're screwed unless you take the help we are willing to provide

...

**SPOCK** Hang on?_ What_ help we are willing to provide?

**KIRK **I'm offering them compassion. Its logic, I thought you'd like that

**SPOCK **No, not really. Not this time

**NERO** If you two have quite finished _flirting_, I am not going to accept your offer anyway. I would rather die in agony than accept assistance from you

**KIRK** Meh. Suit yourself

And so that means now the Enterprise is going to fire everything at the Nerada. And it has a whole lot more impact that Nero's attempt, let me tell you. I also think that Sulu is perhaps a smidge too happy about this.

And so, to the sounds of a dramatic and haunting and thouroughly _awesome _piece of music, the Nerada is destroyed and sucked into a black hole (in that order) and Nero dies.

He even closes his eyes, as if accepting his fate.

It is all very poignant.

But that does still leave the small problem of a GIANT FREAKING BLACK HOLE which is now attempting to eat the Enterprise as well. Noo! If that happens they will be erased from existance and die and stuff and maybe only come back as evil plastic... Hang on, I think I am getting mixed up here... Anyway. They're in trouble. And thank you great big warning sign on the windscreen to tell us all that this is the case.

**KIRK** Why aren't we at warp yet? Scotty... Do something about it!

**SCOTTY **You bet your arse captain!

**ENTERPRISE** *still being sucked into a black hole*

**KIRK **Scotty, I am waiting for you to single handedly save us all from a fate worse than death here. Isn't that what your job is?

**SCOTTY** I'M GIVIN' HER ALL SHE'S GOT CAPTAIN!

**KIRK** Well _hurry up_!

**ENTERPRISE** *still being sucked into a black hole*

And now there are cracks appearing in the ceiling. Which isn't good. As you can tell by the looks on the crew's faces.

**SCOTTY** Erm... I do have one idea

**KIRK** DO IT!

**SCOTTY **I cannae promise anyth-

**KIRK** _DO IT_!

**SPOCK** *looks over his shoulder at the screen with a concerned look for the_ third bloody time_!*

Scotty frantically pushes some buttons. The warp cores (or whatever they are) are ejected. There is a long and dramatic pause with dramatic music and dramatic tension you could cut with a blunt _spork..._

_And..._

The music stops as the cores explode into blue like and push the Enterprise away from the black hole.

And it is _awesome_.

The crew all exchange looks and smiles and nervous laughter in the knowledge that they have escaped. The relief is audable. Which is partly due to the fact that the background music at this point _reeks_ of triumph and relief.

Which is, by no means, a bad thing.

**31 – Back on Earth, to tie up all the loose ends and whatnot... ****HEY LOOK, ITS THE UK! (****Sorry, just thought I'd throw that in there) ;)**

Spock is wandering around, as you do, and seems to be looking for someone. And hey, look, there's an old Vulcan with grey hair and stuff standing around.

**SPOCK** Father?

**DUMBLESPOCK **I am not our father

**SPOCK** O-kay. Slightly confused

**GANDALFSPOCK** Don't worry about it

**SPOCK** Erm... You know you could have just explained everything instead of leaving it all to Kirk. Might have made things a little easier

**THE GREAT SPOCK **Because you needed each other. You could not do it alone. You are but one side of a coin. Kirk is the other

You have no idea who good it felt typing that sentence.

**SPOCK PRIME** It had to be done in order to kindle a friendship that will define you both, and the world, in ways you cannot yet realise

**MERLIN ***facepalm*

**SPOCK** And how did you persuade him not to tell me the truth?

**WISE OLD SPOCK** Reapers

**SPOCK** Ah

**NINTH DOCTOR** You'd better believe it

**ELEVENTH DOCTOR** It doesn't always cause world ending paradoxes, you know... I proved that. Extremely bad for the universe, but hey, sometimes the world needs saving and all that

**TENTH DOCTOR** I'm here too...

**SPOCK AND SPOCK PRIME** Would you three go away. I'm trying to have a poignant moment here

**THE DOCTOR** Meh

**NINE** Though I will stress- Don't. Touch. The. Baby

**THE DOCTOR** *dissapears in a puff of logic back to his own time streams*

**SPOCK** What just happened?

**DUMBLESPOCK** Its called a crossover. They happen. Get used to it

**SPOCK** Back to the point. You lied.

**SPOCKDALF** Meh. I implied. There's a difference. You learn all about it in A-Level English Lang/Lit. And I hope you'll employ such tactics in your future at Starfleet?

**SPOCK **About that- I kind of have a civilisation to rebuild right now so...

**SPOCK PRIME **Ah, but you can be in two places at once

...

**SPOCK PRIME** *waits for it to sink in*

**SPOCK** Ah

**SPOCK PRIME** In this case I ask you to do yourself a favour

**SPOCK** ... Was that a... _pun_?

**SPOCK PRIME** Maybe. Put aside logic and do what feels right

**SPOCK** What if doing what feels right involves going round cutting peoples heads open and being generally evil but still somewhat awesome at the same time?

**SPOCK PRIME** Oh, that'll all go out of the window by series five

**ME** *is very proud that she waited the entire fic to slip in a ZQ/Spock/Sylar reference... and not in _that_ way, you weirdo* Hey, it was going to happen. Why deny it now?

**SPOCK PRIME **Anyway. *makes Vulcan hand gesture* I'll just say "good luck" and be off then *naffs off*

**ZACHARY QUINTO** *makes Vulcan hand gesture in return... And will continue to be doing so for a while owing to the fact that his fingers had to be glued together in order to acheive it with his right hand*

**32- A little while later...**

The assembly recognises Captain James Tiberius Kirk of the USS Enterprise. Oh, and Pike's an Admiral now too (and in a wheelchair- haha, TOS reference), but nobody can hear that over the sound of

1. How awesome James T Kirk is, and

2. The cheering of the audience

**PIKE** Congratulations, Captain. Your father would be proud of you

How very poignant. Methinks Spock Prime agrees.

Aaaaand...

Back aboard the Enterprise:

**SULU** Everything is epic, sir

**CHEKOV **And adorable and Wussian, sir

**UHURA** I still kinda hate you- But I can live with that... _Captain_

**KIRK **Don't you forgot. Oh yes, nice gold uniform. Nice captain's chair (Spock and I shall find a use for that in later fanfics...)

**UHURA** What?

**KIRK **Nothing *slaps Bones on the shoulder as he passes*

**BONES** *rolls eyes, but smiling*

**KIRK** How's it going Scotty?

**SCOTTY **Perfectly. Except that my random alien friend has found a perch and refuses to get off it *sigh* Anyway, everything's generally fine and... erm, did I mention I'm awesome and saved all your lives like, twice?

**BONES** Hey! Who was the one that got Kirk onto this ship in the first place?

**SPOCK** I think all this arguing is completely unfounded. Why can't we all just be friends? Oh, hello Captain. Permission to come aboard?

**KIRK** Let me think about it... Yeah, go for it :)

**SPOCK** Oh, and I would quite like to be First Officer, if you don't have a problem with that

**KIRK** It would be my honour, Commander

**SPORK FANGIRLS** *faint from the levels eyesex going on in this scene*

**SPOCK **Well then, in the timeless words of an olf friend from Gallifray: Fan_tas_tic/Geronimo/Alons-Y!

...

And- Somewhere completely different...

**THE GREAT SLASH DRAGON **I do love it when a plan comes together

**HUNITH AND ABIGAIL WILLIAMS** Here here!

**GAIUS AND SPOCK PRIME** To destiny?

**ALL** _Destiny_ *clink coffee mugs*

**GSD** Picard? Wanna take us out with an obilitory monologue?

**SPOCK PRIME** Hang on. I thought that was my job?

**QUEEN **Maybe. But it's my fic. And I want some Patrick Stuart. Take us out, Picard!

**CAPTAIN PICARD** Righty ho... Ahem:

_In an land of myth, and a time of magic, the destiny of a gre- Hang on a minute..._

**GSD** Nah, I like this version, carry on :)

_The destiny of a great Starship rests on the shoulders of a young man. His name? James Tiberius Kirk. Bitches._

**-FIN-**

**CREDITS (OF DOOM AND AWESOME- which feel a little bit like the new opening sequence to Doctor Who Series 5 in places. Those who watch it will understand what I mean... I hope)**

**STAR TREK 2009- THE AMUSING REVIEW FEATURED (in no particular order)**

**JJ ABRAMS** as AN AWESOME DIRECTOR/PRODUCER/OTHER STUFF (Lensflares. He has them)

**GENE RODDENBERY** as THE BLOKE WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA IN THE FIRST PLACE (and we love him for it)

**MICHAEL GIACCHINO** as COMPOSER OF AWESOME MUSIC

**JOHN CHO** as HIKARU "Epic-Katana-wielding" SULU

**BEN CROSS** as A VERY BRITISH VULCAN

**BRUCE GREENWOOD** as CAPTAIN PIKE (he _will_ own your ass)

**SIMON FREAKING PEGG** as SCOTTY

**CHRIS FINE**, ahem, I mean **PINE** as CAPTAIN JAMES TIBERIUS KIRK, bitch

**ZACHARY QUINTO** as SPOCK (and that is all)

**WINONA RYDER** as AMANDA GRAYSON otherwise known as ABIGAIL WILLIAMS from the Crucible. For in-joke reasons

**ZOE SALDANA** as NYOTA UHURA (and I apologise if I have spelt her first name wrong)

**KARL URBAN** as LEONARD "BONES" McCOY- the most awesome grumpy doctor since House and the most awesome Doctor since The Doctor

**ANTON YELCHIN** as Wussian ENSIGN PAVEL "Adorable/Jailbait" CHEKOV

with

(a bald) **ERIC BANA **as (an equally bald and rather large ham-ish but that is not in any way a bad thing) Romulan- CAPTAIN NERO

and

**LEONARD NIMOY** as TAKE A FREAKING GUESS

with guest appearances from Cameron from _House_, Christopher Eccleston/David Tennant/Matt Smith as various incarnations of The Doctor, John Hurt as the voice of the Great Slash Dragon, Colin Morgan as Merlin, Bradley James as Prince Arthur, Richard Wilson as Gaius, whoever plays Hunith as Hunith and Zachary Quinto as Sylar (albiet briefly)

Oh, and before I forget

**CLARE **aka. **QUEENOFTHEOUTLANDS** as your host, Amusing Reviewer and honary member of the Merthur/Spork/DoctorxMaster/other various pairings Slash Fan Club

And anyone else I may have forgotten

**Clare out**


End file.
